“What happens to the oysters in Star Wars?”

A video recorder was a wonderful thing for a father to have, back when my kids were aged about 7 and 5. They could be plonked down in front of it while their harassed parent was able to get on with more important things, such as drinking to excess. But then mysterious events would occur in whatever film they were watching and it was my job to explain what was happening. Hence the question, “What happens to the oysters in Star Wars?”


“The oysters. In Star Wars. What happens to them?”

“There aren’t any oysters in Star Wars.”

“Yes there are. The man says so.”

“What man?”

And then the weary trudge to the video recorder, the struggle to find the remote, the winding back through the film, before finally finding the scene that made no sense to them – Alec Guinness doing a bit of staggering before turning to Luke Skywalker and saying, “I felt a Great Disturbance in the Force. As if Millions of Voices suddenly Cried out in Terror…”

“NO!” I then have to tell them. “It’s VOICES. Not OYSTERS. You TITS.”

Something similar happened with Terminator 2. Perhaps they were a bit young for it, I didn’t know, or care. I just wanted some peace and quiet. I was getting it but then they appeared again. “Why does the Good Terminator like Easter?”


“The Good Terminator. Why does he like Easter?”

Then all the weary work to do again: the trudge to the video recorder; the struggle for the remote; the winding back, finding the scene, and yes, sure enough, the Bad Terminator strides through liquid nitrogen, gets frozen, loses his legs, falls, loses an arm, stares at his stump and then Arnold Schwarzenegger appears with a gun, and, just before he blows him to bits, tells him, “Hasta La Vista Baby.”

My kids are grown-up now, so I don’t have to explain things to them anymore. Now, with a touch of deafness, myopia, and an increasing inability to make sense of the world, that role has not only been reversed – it's going to carry on that way and then get worse. And people say there is no God. 

Another story not included in my fabulous crowd-funded book. Find out more, read some extracts, and watch an exciting video here: © John Dowie 2013